We have Amish TV at Skunk Hill, we get the 5 channels that come free over the air. So when I get to a hotel room with cable TV I get all excited about so many things to watch. Here in my plush room at the Hyatt Regency Indianapolis I surfed through the channels and I found, starting at channel 2 (I stayed on a channel only long enough to identify what it was showing):
- Tom Selleck as Jesse Stone in a made for TV movie (sadly,this was the high point)
- Yogurt ad
- Toyota ad
- PBS advertising themselves
- CNN showing YouTube videos
- Mystery Detectives outtakes
- College hockey
- Fishermen saying “bleep” to each other.
- Commercial about coming NBA games
- Wright State vs Loyola. I could tell you the sport, but honestly, does it matter?
- Carmelo Anthony shooting practice shots for his anticipated return after bad behavior, or maybe an injury.
- Ad for “Dredd.” Whatever that is, it wasn’t clear. Maybe a movie?
- University of Phoenix ad. (Why did I waste all that time at Purdue reading books and taking tests?)
- Subway sandwich store ad.
- A Steve Carell movie, not sure which one.
- HBO. Someone getting shot with an assault rifle while fishing. Ha ha, that’s entertainment!
- Stock market analysis, a red faced person shouting, “don’t buy Intel”
- A news show. “Manufacturers of high capacity assault rifle clips spent 7.7 million dollars on lobbying.” (You can draw whatever conclusions you like with regards to the HBO movie 2 bullets (haha) above.)
- Bill O’Reilly talking over his guest
- Weather show about rain
- Hip hop music with a guy peeing on a pool table. (Really, I couldn’t make this stuff up)
- Cough medicine ad.
- Cartoon with vultures talking in an Indian accent. (Again, really)
- Weather conditions in Jerusalem (Seriously, I’m not making this up)
- 4 talking heads talking about Latin America credit ratings
- I don’t know. I think it was a news show. But it was cartoon figures of the newscasters flying over the US Capitol Building.
- Soccer of “Ben” vs. “Bar” (Countries I suppose. But could it really be Benin vs. Barbados?)
- A child beauty pageant
- Dirty movies that I have to pay for and that I might want to block if I have young children. I figured my youngest son Paul (age 27) might come to visit, so I blocked it
Honestly? People pay money for this sort of programming? To quote my favorite tv mom, Jane Kaczmarek as Lois in “Malcolm in the Middle, (who was not present on this screed of horrible tv,) “What is wrong with you???”
I’m going to go read my book…
Which is a book of Dave Barry telling booger jokes.